Goal of the Year: Grafite vs. Gourcuff [VIDEO]

So, which one is it, then? Grafite is the more audacious of the two with that ridiculous backheel to finish off a run that meandered more than a drunk senior on a scooter. But Gourcuff's is the more purely sublime, executing a roulette to get past one, a deft touch from one foot to the other to get past the second, and a powerful finish past Landreau.

Roll the tape...





For my money, I'm going with Gourcuff. Grafite's goal may be slightly more exhilarating, but he benefitted from some embarrassing Keystone Kops defending.

When will Sunderland's Djibril Cisse horribly mangle his leg next?

Nothing against the erstwhile hairstylist, indeed I enjoy his electrifying pace, skill on the ball, and knack for the goal (such as this classy finish in the epic 2006 FA Cup Final). From Auxerre to Liverpool to Marseille, and on to Sunderland on loan, he's been no stranger to gaudy statistics to pair up with his high octane lifestyle -- movie "star", lap dancing controversies, pregnant wife beating, and so on. Considering all of these "distractions," Cisse has performed consistently well ... when fit. He's currently the leading goal scorer with Sunderland with 10, just ahead of Jones' 9. He terrorised Ligue 1 with Auxerre, and managed to leave a mark at Anfield despite his injury horrors and being asked to play out on the wing.

Which brings me to my question. Having done this and that to his glass legs (NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART), he seems overdue for his next excruciating tibia realignment. The former occured in late October 2004, the latter in July 2006. It's been three years now that Cisse has been cheating the devil. When will it happen next? And when it does happen, will that be the end of his career as a footballer of any relevance?

Perhaps we'll see him in the bargain bin for Taxi 5: Faulty Meters and Boorish Passengers.

Top 5 Most Indifferent Clubs

These five leave no imprint on our collective conciousness and are forever moribund. Even their names inspire no tingling of the soul. It's just tedium with a side of ennui. No one will notice when these teams are gone:

5. Le Mans UC72 (Ligue 1)

4. Deportivo la Coruna (La Liga)

3. Siena (Serie A)

2. FC Dallas (MLS)

1. Middlesborough (BPL)



Just posting about them bores the internet. Sorry.

FC Dallas on pace for a generous You Suck Allocation

Power (sigh) rankings for the moment:

1. Chivas USA
2. Toronto
3. DC
4. Seattle
5. Houston
6. Chicago
7. Kansas City
8. Colorado
9. Salt Lake
10. Columbus
11. New England
12. New York
13. Los Angeles
14. Philadelphia
15. San Jose

16. a huge gap

17. Bendtner's pants
18. FC Dallas

Future Almanac - This weekend's Premier League and MLS results in advance!

As I did last week, I'm going to pull out the Future Almanac to divine this weekend's results for your wagering delight. No doubt jealousy of my Almanac runs rampant, but I seem to be the only one who thought of picking one up during my apparently esoteric travels. In other words, your thundering incompetence is your problem.

Ok, here goes for this week's fixtures:

May 9

Blackburn v Portsmouth

2-0

Bolton v Sunderland

2-1

Everton v Tottenham

1-3

Fulham v Aston Villa

1-1

Hull City v Stoke

0-1

West Brom v Wigan

1-2

West Ham v Liverpool

2-3

May 10

Arsenal v Chelsea

4-1

Man Utd v Man City

3-1

May 11

Newcastle v Middlesbrough

0-0

And how about some MLS as a garnish:

May 9

Columbus Crew v Kansas City Wizards

2-0

DC United v Toronto FC

3-2

Chicago Fire v New England Revs

3-0

FC Dallas v Houston Dynamo

1-2

Chivas USA v Real Salt Lake

2-2

May 10

Seattle Sounders FC v LA Galaxy

1-1

Guaranteed to be correct!

Right to edit past results reserved.

To those who think that Chelsea was hard done by the refs today

I present you with the following...

Guardian:

"72 mins: Chelsea substitution: Drogba off - and he shakes his head in dismay at that decision - and Belletti on. So Hiddink removes his most effective weapon and declares his intention to hold on for the 1-0 against 10 men? It would appear so."

"(Final thoughts): tactical genius Guss Hiddink's masterplan was to take off his most effective striker, and replace him with a defensive midfielder, against 10 men. "

"67 mins: RED CARD FOR ABIDAL Drogba flicked on a long ball, Anelka set off in pursuit and Abidal collided with him, preventing him from entering the box. Not sure how intentional that was, or even if the contact was sufficient to send Anelka crumpling. The replay suggested Anelka's trailing foot connected with Abidal's accidentally. Harsh on Abidal."

Soccernet:

"67'Everyone seems to agree that was harsh. Toure may well have got across before Anelka got onto the end of his touch anyway. Still, Barca are down to ten and need a goal.
66'Abidal sees red after Anelka takes the ball from a Drogba flilck on. He may have inadvertently clipped Anelka's heels but there didn't look much contact."

"(Post-whistle): 98'Drogba's behaviour there was utterly disgraceful, pushing away security guards to try and get at the referee. Tell you what Didier, it wouldn't have mattered had you not slotted that brilliant chance in the second half. I hope they throw the book at him."

"(Post-whistle): Chelsea will point to two decent penalty shouts, but they had enough chances to win it during the game."

Sky Sports:

"66 Anelka falls to the ground after trying to race away from Abidal in order to reach Drogba's flick-on. The referee awards a free-kick to Chelsea and decides to send-off the Barcelona defender. It looks like a slightly harsh decision from the official."

London Times:

"95 mins: Ballack booked for desperate and ridiculous penalty appeal. "



I'm not saying that Chelsea didn't get denied at least one clear-cut penalty (Pique's handball in the 82nd minute), but those penalty claims they did have came after Abidal's very questionable sending off. When you're playing against a 10-man side, it's only natural that you will produce more opportunities than otherwise, and that there is a higher probability of a penalty being called or asked for. Considering that Barcelona was hard done by to go down a man to begin with, I'd proffer that the officiating was equally bad going both ways, and that it comes out in the wash. Ultimately, the match came down to two incredible goals, and Drogba's horrifying miss in the 52nd minute.

What do you think?

What will Thierry Henry do?

Should he stay at Barca or move on? He appears to have adapted quite well to the left flank this season, and his current form is absolutely torrid. 2 goals in El Clasico, 19 in the league, and 25 overall on the year. Roughly 60% of his shots on frame leading to ample poaching oppportunities for Eto'o and co. On the other hand, he continues to age like the rest of us mere mortals and this summer will probably be the only chance the Barcelona FO will have to recoup anything close to what they paid for him. Messi will be around for some time to come, and Eto'o, if his heart remains with the Catalans, still has a few years yet to contribute to the side's efforts. Any cash from an Henry sale could be applied toward purchasing Benzema, Villa, or even the breathtaking Aguero, and moving Messi back to attacking mid. The shape of the squad need not be substantially altered through the loss of Henry, nor should it be considering the results garnered.

As for Henry, does he want to stay with Barca or move back to the Premier League? He's still got too much in the tank to start considering MLS or even a return to Ligue 1. Italy seems anathema to his style of play (his time at Juventus was mercifully brief) and I doubt that Trezeguet would do much to recommend it given his own recent struggles with the Old Lady. The Premier League would be modestly enticing as the former stage for his greatest feats, but he has repeatedly argued that his soul is Gunner through and through. I can't see him suiting up for Man City, and I don't see the ever-pragmatic Wegner breaking with his youth movement to offer Henry the security of anything more than a 1-yr deal.

In the end, he'll probably stay and start his evolution into a super-sub role, particularly as the Copa del Rey, Champions League, and La Liga schedule conspire to wear him down in the latter stages. It'll be at the end of next season that he takes his leave of Barcelona, sent off with honor by the club and its fans, and tests new pastures elsewhere.

The Future Almanac -- What will happen this weekend in the Premier League

Because I'm a spluttering baboon, I will impudently declare what will happen this weekend in the Premier League through the use of an ingenious, failproof algorithm I devised over my bowl of shredded wheat this morning. Specifically, I will peer into the future. I realize that no one else has ever thought of doing such a rash thing, but I assure you that will use proper eyewear.

(Please note: I will not be held responsible for meddlers such as players, managers, and referees attempting to change what is already written in stone. If they do choose to alter future results beyond recognition in contradiction with what I've already declared to hold true, the ripping of space-time and Big Sam's sizeable pants are their faults and their faults alone.)


2 May

The Riverside Stadium Middlesbrough v Manchester United
1-3

Fratton Park Portsmouth v Arsenal
1-1

City of Manchester Stadium Manchester City v Blackburn Rovers
2-0

The JJB Stadium Wigan Athletic v Bolton Wanderers
1-0

Britannia Stadium Stoke City v West Ham United
2-2

Stamford Bridge Chelsea v Fulham
2-0

White Hart Lane Tottenham Hotspur v West Brom
4-1


3 May

Anfield Liverpool v Newcastle United
3-0

Stadium of Light Sunderland v Everton
2-1


4 May

Villa Park Aston Villa v Hull City
2-2

What Webb really said

Here's the official line: “I’ve looked at it again and I think it was a mistake but we make these decisions honestly,” Webb conceded. “It’s not always easy to see the way the play pans out from pitch level. I could see the Manchester United player touch the ball and saw him get clattered by the goalkeeper but didn’t see the extra deviation from the goalkeeper’s fingers touching the ball. I’m disappointed as I always strive for perfection. I’ll look at the tape in detail later in the week and try to avoid it happening again in the future. I never want to have a negative impact on a game and I get no pleasure from not reaching the high standards we set ourselves. But show me a man who’s never made a mistake and I’ll show you a man who’s done nothing.”

And here's what he really meant: "I've looked at it again and I think the shine of my ludicrously bald pate does flash a bit too brightly in a certain light," Webb conceded. "It's hard to tone it down for the cameras. I could see Carrick flinch when he saw Neville's hideous reflection just above my right ear, but didn't notice that Neville had tried on the merest of eyeshadows to gussy up his appalling visage. I'm disappointed that I didn't sand down my scalp to a muted matte. I'll take yet another good look in the mirror at myself this evening to because I like mirrors reflecting mirrors into infinity. I can't help blowing calls when I adore blowing whistles. Show me a man who's never carressed my fine hairless head and I'll show you a man who doesn't appreciate my narcissistic sexual innuendo. Passionately yours, Howie."

Here are some reliable resources for watching Barca-Chelsea today at the office

http://www.channelsurfing.net
http://www.atdhe.net
http://www.myp2p.eu
http://www.justin.tv
http://www.iraqgoals.net

Anything else will just suck you into a mobius strip of blogs linking to other blogs without actually giving you the goods. 100 PERCENT GENYOOWINE!

So, he who dives best...

...reaps the rewards?

MLS Franchise Ineptitude Power Ranking

Rather than ranking clubs by their current form (most people just end up stupidly replicating the Supporters Shield standings, whether they're aware of it or not), I've decided to go with a broader horizon: what is the general direction of the franchise on the pitch, in the stands, in the front office, and in the community. To avoid wasting your time, I magnanimously started off with the worst, just so that you can say it all wraps up on a high.

1. FC Dallas: I don't think anyone attends. And when Cooper leaves, I don't think anyone scores, even if the opposition is a harem of 11. And Hellas shows less inspiration than Avram Grant on uppers. This is an astonishingly, confoundingly inept franchise. This is your model, my fellow crumpet eaters, for failure.

2. Colorado Rapids: Since the franchise's inception, the Rapids could be defined in a single word -- moribund. Ineptitude just slapped them in the face the moment they flopped out of the '94 World Cup birth canal. And then Clavijo came along.

3. San Jose Earthquakes: They're still young (this iteration anyhow), and they made things briefly interesting late summer last season. The locals, however, fall all over themselves just to touch the hem of "legendary" Huckerby's pantaloons.

4. Kansas City Wizards: Some improvement here in the last year or two. The FO scored a coup with Claudio Lopez agreeing to come back for far less cash, drafted well, and work on a new stadium is proceeding apace. The name, though, the name... Admittedly, when you're from an ill-defined region of flyover country with no appreciable landmarks to speak of, I suppose going with a Wizard of Oz allusion is about the best they can do.

5. Los Angeles Galaxy: The only thing that keeps LAG from the squalor of FCD and the Rapids are healthy attendance, profitability, and their absolutely ridiculous 2005 playoff run. Another season of traffic cones in the back and Donovan's imminent departure will drop this club like ValuJet in the Everglades.

6. New York Red Bulls: Before last year, this club was a no-brainer top 3. Still, too many fans dressed as seats, a history of crap on the "pitch", terrible FO incompetence (stunning how many former players come back to bite them in the ass), and embarassing marketing conspire to keep them down. The Altidore draft pick and eventual sale, the Juan Pable Angel signing, and the prospect of an absolutely gorgeous new stadium mitigates the absurdity.

7. Seattle Sounders: Though the Sounders have only been in the league for a mere month, the FO has done nearly everything right (someone forgot to tell Montero when no means no), knowledgeable fans who say "offside" and not "offsides" have filled the stands; also -- lucrative sponsorship, solid DP, excellent coaching hire, and a quick beginning. I'm still at pains to say that Drew Carey lends any sort of ... credible ... starpower to the ownership group. I mean, the guy could make an igneous rock look like Chris Rock in his absolute prime compared to his "stand-up."

8. Toronto FC: For an expansion side which joined the league three years ago, TFC is doing well. Their supporters' smugness and self-aggrandizement about their "unique culture" is under full frontal assault from those of the Sounders.

9. DC United: This is a club decidedly on the way down. The FO failed miserably in field last season, with all five and a half new signings shown the door by the time the offseason rolled around, the stadium issue drags on (Tuscon United?), the 2004 MLS Cup seems like ages ago, international competitions have gone abysmally and Tom Soehn is under fire for the indifferent performance his team has displayed since the Novak effect wore off. The Barra Brava/SE/La Norte are still strong and commanding, Olsen is back in the fold as a dynamic contributor, the most recent draft produced a series of capable prospects, and Moreno recently became the league's first 100/100 man. The aggregate of all of this? Acquired mediocrity through hard work.

10. Chivas USA: Conversely, this is a club in ascendence. Preki is an intelligent, perceptive manager, drafting a system to fit his players, rather than the obverse. His approach is paying dividends (and has been) this year with a perfect start only recently besmirched by TFC. Brilliant work in the draft has worked in the clubs favor as well, most notably in the cases of Guzan, Bornstein, and Kljestan. The fans, though passionate, are not actually there. The occasional sound of applause is really just the breeze wafting amongst the flags.

11. Real Salt Lake: For a club that started off so poorly and required the divine intervention of Checketts to even remain viable after only a couple of years in existence, RSL is faring remarkably well these days. Quicksilver up top and a capped USMNT keeper as backup means life really is a gumdrop house on lollipop lane these days for RSL.

12. New England Revs: The Buffalo Bills of MLS. Nicol is a genius, the FO scouts well in Africa , and they're setting themselves up well for another appearance in the playoffs this season. An owner who couldn't be bothered and an expensive Taylor Twellman bobblehead doll ensconsed in head trauma division mean a pervasive, but by no means overwhelming, sense of irrelevence ghosting behind the scenes.

13. Houston Dynamo: It suffices to point at those two sterling silver stars above their crest to get an idea of why ineptitude is something this franchise has no reason to fear. Kinnear is quite good at what he does, Onstad apparently discovered what Jaun Ponce de Leon couldn't, and the team perpetually oozes class from top to bottom.

14. Columbus Crew: Now, it remains to be seen whether or not last season was a flash in the pan. Historically, the Crew have been an above average, but rarely spectacular side. It all came together last year with visionary acquisitions (Schelotto et al) gelling under the influence of a fine tactician and manager while the supporters groups coalesced and exploded in prominence (particularly after TFC had the gall to invade en masse). The only aspect that gives me pause is the inability to retain Schmid may already be having dire repercussions in the points column. Still, this is a side firmly on the up and up.

15. Chicago Fire: Chicago has all of the pieces in place: good recruiting, a solid coach, a popular and paradoxically effective DP, a former Fulham star settling in nicely, a stadium of their own, consistent regular season results, the ability to cause DCU absolutely excruciating fits like no other side can, the reigning MLS keeper of the year, a number of internationals (Conde, Soumare, Mapp (haha, I kid!), etc) in support, a quality fanbase, and general sense that this year is the year. The Fire are currently the least inept franchise in MLS. Fire fans, I envy you from the bottom of my soul.

PS I reserve the right to look at you completely askance when you say that x is too high, y is too low, or z is the tastiest energy drink there is.

The Wembley Pitch

Ah yes, another cycle of blame from the losing sides occupying the ever-in-progress Wembley field of dreams. This time it's Sir Alex and (to a lesser extent) Monsieur Wegner who are levying charges of unplayability and unsuitability for the tushes of their multi-miilionaires. Of course, once the big four raises their whinnying voices about anything out of sorts that, incidentally, only affects their side, the FA make a big, blustery show of relaying the turf and promising nary a future ankle tweak. While the immediate cause of the FA's eagerness to take action (yet again) can be apportioned to the BPL's moneymakers throwing a conniption fit, I believe the true impetus is a nation striving to hide its burning embarrassment in the face of yet another "pride of Britain" infrastructure folly. As if Heathrow's vaunted Terminal 5 (We will lose your valise with unprecedented haste!) and the ridiculous skyrocketing costs of the 2012 Olympics (Lisa Simpson giving unsolicited "favors" notwithstanding) weren't enough to curdle everyone's milk, Wembley expectorates an abomination of a pitch (behind schedule, over cost, to boot). It's an affront to a nation once beaming with the influence and might it wielded over its cross-Channel neighbors and the FA can scarcely do anything about it. The pitch will be resodded and torn right up again by Oasis' perpetual Relevency Tour (with guest pointy-ball performer: the Detroit Who Gives a Damns) and Britain's pride will continue to erode faster than Berbatov's Tottenham legend. This is not the whimpering of beknighted managers, this is the very basis of English snobbery at stake.

Or it could be that the pitch just really sucks moose balls and that's all there is to it.