What Webb really said

Here's the official line: “I’ve looked at it again and I think it was a mistake but we make these decisions honestly,” Webb conceded. “It’s not always easy to see the way the play pans out from pitch level. I could see the Manchester United player touch the ball and saw him get clattered by the goalkeeper but didn’t see the extra deviation from the goalkeeper’s fingers touching the ball. I’m disappointed as I always strive for perfection. I’ll look at the tape in detail later in the week and try to avoid it happening again in the future. I never want to have a negative impact on a game and I get no pleasure from not reaching the high standards we set ourselves. But show me a man who’s never made a mistake and I’ll show you a man who’s done nothing.”

And here's what he really meant: "I've looked at it again and I think the shine of my ludicrously bald pate does flash a bit too brightly in a certain light," Webb conceded. "It's hard to tone it down for the cameras. I could see Carrick flinch when he saw Neville's hideous reflection just above my right ear, but didn't notice that Neville had tried on the merest of eyeshadows to gussy up his appalling visage. I'm disappointed that I didn't sand down my scalp to a muted matte. I'll take yet another good look in the mirror at myself this evening to because I like mirrors reflecting mirrors into infinity. I can't help blowing calls when I adore blowing whistles. Show me a man who's never carressed my fine hairless head and I'll show you a man who doesn't appreciate my narcissistic sexual innuendo. Passionately yours, Howie."

Here are some reliable resources for watching Barca-Chelsea today at the office

http://www.channelsurfing.net
http://www.atdhe.net
http://www.myp2p.eu
http://www.justin.tv
http://www.iraqgoals.net

Anything else will just suck you into a mobius strip of blogs linking to other blogs without actually giving you the goods. 100 PERCENT GENYOOWINE!

So, he who dives best...

...reaps the rewards?

MLS Franchise Ineptitude Power Ranking

Rather than ranking clubs by their current form (most people just end up stupidly replicating the Supporters Shield standings, whether they're aware of it or not), I've decided to go with a broader horizon: what is the general direction of the franchise on the pitch, in the stands, in the front office, and in the community. To avoid wasting your time, I magnanimously started off with the worst, just so that you can say it all wraps up on a high.

1. FC Dallas: I don't think anyone attends. And when Cooper leaves, I don't think anyone scores, even if the opposition is a harem of 11. And Hellas shows less inspiration than Avram Grant on uppers. This is an astonishingly, confoundingly inept franchise. This is your model, my fellow crumpet eaters, for failure.

2. Colorado Rapids: Since the franchise's inception, the Rapids could be defined in a single word -- moribund. Ineptitude just slapped them in the face the moment they flopped out of the '94 World Cup birth canal. And then Clavijo came along.

3. San Jose Earthquakes: They're still young (this iteration anyhow), and they made things briefly interesting late summer last season. The locals, however, fall all over themselves just to touch the hem of "legendary" Huckerby's pantaloons.

4. Kansas City Wizards: Some improvement here in the last year or two. The FO scored a coup with Claudio Lopez agreeing to come back for far less cash, drafted well, and work on a new stadium is proceeding apace. The name, though, the name... Admittedly, when you're from an ill-defined region of flyover country with no appreciable landmarks to speak of, I suppose going with a Wizard of Oz allusion is about the best they can do.

5. Los Angeles Galaxy: The only thing that keeps LAG from the squalor of FCD and the Rapids are healthy attendance, profitability, and their absolutely ridiculous 2005 playoff run. Another season of traffic cones in the back and Donovan's imminent departure will drop this club like ValuJet in the Everglades.

6. New York Red Bulls: Before last year, this club was a no-brainer top 3. Still, too many fans dressed as seats, a history of crap on the "pitch", terrible FO incompetence (stunning how many former players come back to bite them in the ass), and embarassing marketing conspire to keep them down. The Altidore draft pick and eventual sale, the Juan Pable Angel signing, and the prospect of an absolutely gorgeous new stadium mitigates the absurdity.

7. Seattle Sounders: Though the Sounders have only been in the league for a mere month, the FO has done nearly everything right (someone forgot to tell Montero when no means no), knowledgeable fans who say "offside" and not "offsides" have filled the stands; also -- lucrative sponsorship, solid DP, excellent coaching hire, and a quick beginning. I'm still at pains to say that Drew Carey lends any sort of ... credible ... starpower to the ownership group. I mean, the guy could make an igneous rock look like Chris Rock in his absolute prime compared to his "stand-up."

8. Toronto FC: For an expansion side which joined the league three years ago, TFC is doing well. Their supporters' smugness and self-aggrandizement about their "unique culture" is under full frontal assault from those of the Sounders.

9. DC United: This is a club decidedly on the way down. The FO failed miserably in field last season, with all five and a half new signings shown the door by the time the offseason rolled around, the stadium issue drags on (Tuscon United?), the 2004 MLS Cup seems like ages ago, international competitions have gone abysmally and Tom Soehn is under fire for the indifferent performance his team has displayed since the Novak effect wore off. The Barra Brava/SE/La Norte are still strong and commanding, Olsen is back in the fold as a dynamic contributor, the most recent draft produced a series of capable prospects, and Moreno recently became the league's first 100/100 man. The aggregate of all of this? Acquired mediocrity through hard work.

10. Chivas USA: Conversely, this is a club in ascendence. Preki is an intelligent, perceptive manager, drafting a system to fit his players, rather than the obverse. His approach is paying dividends (and has been) this year with a perfect start only recently besmirched by TFC. Brilliant work in the draft has worked in the clubs favor as well, most notably in the cases of Guzan, Bornstein, and Kljestan. The fans, though passionate, are not actually there. The occasional sound of applause is really just the breeze wafting amongst the flags.

11. Real Salt Lake: For a club that started off so poorly and required the divine intervention of Checketts to even remain viable after only a couple of years in existence, RSL is faring remarkably well these days. Quicksilver up top and a capped USMNT keeper as backup means life really is a gumdrop house on lollipop lane these days for RSL.

12. New England Revs: The Buffalo Bills of MLS. Nicol is a genius, the FO scouts well in Africa , and they're setting themselves up well for another appearance in the playoffs this season. An owner who couldn't be bothered and an expensive Taylor Twellman bobblehead doll ensconsed in head trauma division mean a pervasive, but by no means overwhelming, sense of irrelevence ghosting behind the scenes.

13. Houston Dynamo: It suffices to point at those two sterling silver stars above their crest to get an idea of why ineptitude is something this franchise has no reason to fear. Kinnear is quite good at what he does, Onstad apparently discovered what Jaun Ponce de Leon couldn't, and the team perpetually oozes class from top to bottom.

14. Columbus Crew: Now, it remains to be seen whether or not last season was a flash in the pan. Historically, the Crew have been an above average, but rarely spectacular side. It all came together last year with visionary acquisitions (Schelotto et al) gelling under the influence of a fine tactician and manager while the supporters groups coalesced and exploded in prominence (particularly after TFC had the gall to invade en masse). The only aspect that gives me pause is the inability to retain Schmid may already be having dire repercussions in the points column. Still, this is a side firmly on the up and up.

15. Chicago Fire: Chicago has all of the pieces in place: good recruiting, a solid coach, a popular and paradoxically effective DP, a former Fulham star settling in nicely, a stadium of their own, consistent regular season results, the ability to cause DCU absolutely excruciating fits like no other side can, the reigning MLS keeper of the year, a number of internationals (Conde, Soumare, Mapp (haha, I kid!), etc) in support, a quality fanbase, and general sense that this year is the year. The Fire are currently the least inept franchise in MLS. Fire fans, I envy you from the bottom of my soul.

PS I reserve the right to look at you completely askance when you say that x is too high, y is too low, or z is the tastiest energy drink there is.

The Wembley Pitch

Ah yes, another cycle of blame from the losing sides occupying the ever-in-progress Wembley field of dreams. This time it's Sir Alex and (to a lesser extent) Monsieur Wegner who are levying charges of unplayability and unsuitability for the tushes of their multi-miilionaires. Of course, once the big four raises their whinnying voices about anything out of sorts that, incidentally, only affects their side, the FA make a big, blustery show of relaying the turf and promising nary a future ankle tweak. While the immediate cause of the FA's eagerness to take action (yet again) can be apportioned to the BPL's moneymakers throwing a conniption fit, I believe the true impetus is a nation striving to hide its burning embarrassment in the face of yet another "pride of Britain" infrastructure folly. As if Heathrow's vaunted Terminal 5 (We will lose your valise with unprecedented haste!) and the ridiculous skyrocketing costs of the 2012 Olympics (Lisa Simpson giving unsolicited "favors" notwithstanding) weren't enough to curdle everyone's milk, Wembley expectorates an abomination of a pitch (behind schedule, over cost, to boot). It's an affront to a nation once beaming with the influence and might it wielded over its cross-Channel neighbors and the FA can scarcely do anything about it. The pitch will be resodded and torn right up again by Oasis' perpetual Relevency Tour (with guest pointy-ball performer: the Detroit Who Gives a Damns) and Britain's pride will continue to erode faster than Berbatov's Tottenham legend. This is not the whimpering of beknighted managers, this is the very basis of English snobbery at stake.

Or it could be that the pitch just really sucks moose balls and that's all there is to it.